Confident Predictions for 2013*

31 Dec

1. China and Japan will realize that the disputed islands are simply a worthless bird-poo covered lump of rock, declare them an environmental heritage site, and agree to joint stewardship. There will be a moratorium on energy exploitation within 50km of the islands.

2. Nuclear-armed USA and nuclear-armed Israel will realize the utter hypocrisy of their stance on Iran and agree a non-aggression pact with Iran. The US will demilitarize the region by withdrawing from its multiple bases in the Gulf region. Iran will provide irrefutable proof that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful means.

3. Greece, Portugal and Ireland will tell the IMF to fuck off and tell the bankers to pay their own debts rather than leaching off taxpayers who did not run up the debts in the first place.

4. The Assad regime in Syria will realize that it cannot go on murdering its own citizens and will negotiate a transfer of power to a civilian, democratic government. At the same time, western and Gulf governments will see the folly of arming the ‘Free Syria Army’ as reports of their human rights abuses become more widespread.

5. An international levy on the arms trade will come into force. The funds raised by the levy will eradicate childhood illness worldwide.

6. NATO and western governments will apologise to the people of Afghanistan for the night raids, death by drone and the imposition of a corrupt government of warlords and narco-profiteers. The people of Afghanistan will respond by embracing more tolerant political leaders.

7. Pakistan will rebrand itself ‘the rainbow nation’ and make a point of celebrating religious tolerance and all forms of diversity.

8. The cult worship of Saint Steve Jobs will end as people realize that he was a hugely selfish man who gave nothing to charity, routinely parked in disabled parking spaces, and insisted on a 30 percent profit for all of his goods.

9. Climate change will be taken seriously.

10. The flying pig will make its debut at the Farnborough International Airshow.

* Alternatively, human beings will blunder along, believing that a mix of nationalism, profiteering, coercion and violence is the best strategy for solving common problems.


One Response to “Confident Predictions for 2013*”

  1. Anthony 24/01/2013 at 2:03 am #

    ‘fraid we’ll be blundering along in 2013 with that toxic mix you describe. Change is slow, but we must keep on it.

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